A snowball in hell, that’s what I was. No, that’s not even right. Snowballs were too cold and big. I was leftover Slush pitiful Puppie in hell. Half melted from the get-go. I slouched in a sulphur smelling couch and smoky sufferings had already tried to kill me twice. I’ve been here for 15 minutes. That said a lot about my survival chances. Damned be the evil shoes my mom had forced me to wear.
The incubus had teleported me to his house. To my great surprise, I now saw his face. His fake and pretty face, that is. Apparently, something in hell prevented me from seeing through flesh. I still saw right through his schemes but I didn’t have to watch his nastiness anymore. It sounded weird – since I was basically a sitting duck in purgatory – but I was relieved.
We caught his wife as she slipped out of her red satin dress and into pyjamas. She raised a surprise eyebrow at our arrival.
“I thought it was ridiculous to argue over her. I turned her into a peace-offering instead.”
“Liar.” I had to call him out. The only way I had even snowflake’s chances in hell of getting out of this was if I could get protection from one of them. The succubus had, at least, remotely human feelings. Maybe she could convince her husband to let me go.
“That’s why she married me, honey.”
“Besides, that’s not a real present. I don’t need the fleshy casing.” Her voice ringed with a controlled harshness. Her reddish eyes and wet cheeks belied it.
He ignored her remark and towed a chair from the diner table to the living room. He walked toward me and grabbed my arms. I tried to move out of his grasp but he squeezed until pain made my eyes water. He lifted me off my feet and sat me abruptly on the chair.
“Would you watch her please, honey?”
His wife raised an eyebrow again as he exited through one of the two inside doors of their two and a half rooms “house”. It was either leading to the bedroom or the bathroom. I probably had a minute or two.
“He’s the violent type, isn’t he?” I asked to test the waters.
“You have no idea…” She answered with a dull tone and a weird glimmer in her eyes. I couldn’t figure out what it was. Amusement? I realized my reading were not as precise as I thought down here.
A minute passed and the incubus reentered the room with a pair of handcuffs and bondage paraphernalia. Bedroom it was then.
He started to strap me to the chair with disturbing expertise. “Mom and Dad naked” disturbingness level.
He brushed my skin here and there while he worked. It sent hot sparks down my spine and I did my best not to blush. The “non consensual sex” treaty became harder to maintain. His ugly inside didn’t scare me away from the pleasures of flesh anymore. Well, he most certainly didn’t need to know that.
“Honey. The living smock is really cluttering. It’s kind of pretty at the moment but it’ll start to stink in a few days. Why are we keeping it?”
“Because it’s worth a lot, darling.”
“Why didn’t you just snatch the soul?”
“Because I couldn’t.”
“It’s not worth squat then.”
“I’ll fence it.”
“You couldn’t fence a three-tiered chocolate mousse cake to a glut demon.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence. What have you brought home tonight? Oh, right. Nothing!”
The succubus quivered under the verbal hit. She spun on her heels and went out the other door. I heard the water running. Or maybe not. It sounded too thick for water.
“You fell for it, didn’t you?” My captor was addressing me with a tired voice.
“I’m fairly certain I cannot fall in any capacity.” Strapped as I was, I had to be pushed.
“The desperate and fragile act. It’s her family’s trademark. They mimic it so well that any human with an ounce of empathy believes it’s true. Actually, I think she even convinced herself its true. Pity’s the quickest way to bed a man. Or a demon.” He looked at the bathroom door, shoulders slumped. Because of the unidentified glimmer in her eyes earlier, I wanted to believe what he said. Because of what I saw at prom, I believed her too. One of them was obviously lying.
That changed my plan by a mile. If she didn’t have any genuine human feeling, winning her over was impossible. What else could I use to get out of this jinx?
I knew they weren’t a happy couple. If I wedged myself between them through the cracks of their relationship, I might pull them apart enough for them to start a fight. That should buy me a bit of time to escape. Somehow…
The succubus joined us, her hair scorched and her skin flushed. Her husband had explained the lava shower’s, soothing effect. She didn’t seem any calmer. In fact, her look boded as well as midterm you hadn’t studied for.
Suddenly, she punched a hole in the bathroom’s door frame. Fireworks of wood flew. She followed them into the kitchen/living room. I didn’t know what she had been holding in but it sure wasn’t little ponies. She kicked the dresser behind her and broke it in half. I stood corrected.
“You find her sexier than me, don’t you?”
“It was one mistake, honey, one mistake.”
“Why don’t you just kill her and get it over with then?” She yelled it with the desperation of a teacher on a field trip.
“She’ll lose half her value if she suffers a violent death. How dumb are you?”
She grew hot iron red and grabbed the remaining wooden chair at the kitchen table. She yielded menacingly and hold the stance when you knocked at the door.
“We’re busy” she angrily breathed out.
“Like I care. Angel police, open the door.” Your arrogant and deep voice answered. Angel police? Was I saved? As easy as that?
The succubus glowered at her husband and swung at him. The shock was so violent that the chair smashed to smithereens and she ended up with only a plank in her grasp. Her husband literally flew out the door and crashed somewhere out of sight. She followed suit while splinters rained on me.
They were out?! For a moment, I didn’t even understand what they were arguing about outside; I was too busy wiggling around to try to free myself. I soon gave up. That incubus really was a bondage expert. I decided to eavesdrop on the scene outside instead.
“What girl?” Your sexy voice boomed.
“Me!” Yeah, that ought to be me.
Soon afterward, your tall frame filled the busted door frame. You wore a perfect, yet stained, white suit and sported impressive silver curls. Your white feather wings neatly folded behind you. Your chiseled jaw and straight nose gave you the rightness I’d expect from any military man. You had the haughty posture too. You detailed me head to toe then turned your back on me.
“That’s actually legal. You only get a fine if you have more than one of if you harm her outside hunting season.” I beg your pardon? As a reflex, my leg attempted to rise to kick your angelic ass. I only ended up grunting and struggling helplessly with my restraints. Your angel light was suddenly shaded by your demeanor. The demons glowered at each other.
You started on detailing the demons offense and blah blah blah. I cared as much as my locker neighbour cared about the 5 months old sandwich that rotted behind his dictionary.
“I’ll have her as payment for your fine.”
Wait a minute! That was definitely more shady than I liked my knights in shining armour. What did you mean “have” me?
“She’s worth way more than that.”
“She can see us.”
“You don’t say! Where did you get that from? Revelations?”
“No, I mean, up there. She sees through our disguises.”
You were thoughtfull for hot minute. The pressure was killing me. My internal debate raged trying to pick the better option between shady angels and openly evil demons. Liver and brocoli or blood sausage and brussels sprouts; though call. I wasn’t even sure I could tip the scale in favor of my choice.
“She’s only worth something if you can fence her. I doubt you could even fence prepaid vacations to a sloth demon.”
“That’s unfair. And…”
“Listen, here’s the deal: I get her or you spend a hundred years on Cloud 9. With your wife. Your call.”
Both demon looked horrified. They drew back and hurried into their bedroom, getting temporarily jammed as they both rushed through the door.
“Finally alone.” You said while shimmying out of your three-buttoned jacket. You drapped it over the corner of the couch and strode to me.
My heart beated eratically. I wanted to draw back but was obviously at the mercy of your whims. You jammed a finger between the rope and my breasts, and yanked. My upper body came forward. You put an hand on my shoulder to hold me back and pulled harder. The rope bit hard in my back. Then, it snapped and fell around me. I blinked fast to keep from crying out my pain. You moved to take care of the bondage around my legs.
“Bastard. Use both hands to break the rope instead of using my very destructible body!”
I heard chuckles behind the bedroom door.
“Right, I have to remember you guys are fragile.” You said that with a crooked smile that made you all the more scary. How insulting! You snapped the bondage without breaking a sweat.
You took my cuffed hands, which rested on my laps, and lifted them by the chain. You were significantly taller than me so as you rose my hand to hang them around your neck, I was off the floor.
You grabbed my legs to wrap them around your waist. My dress rode high up my limbs. I straddled your hips which was about as comfortable as a “naked in school” nightmare come true no matter how firm your bum was. Your wings kept me from ridding your back. I got that. Nevertheelss, this sideways ride felt too intimate though. Too close to a full front. What were you going to do with me? Have me?
You reached for your jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, treating me like an unwanted toddler. Ok, my virginity might be safe. It was still unclear.
“That’s better. Looking at that dress makes me want to puke.” You commented.
You slid a hand under my ass to keep me in place, walked out and spread your wings. With one powerful push, we were airborne.
We flew so fast that I closed my eyes to protect them. I had troubles breathing because of the wind. You might not have done it to keep me warm, but I was grateful for the jacket.
We touched the ground and I pulled my head out of the craddle of my arms. We were in a cemetery.
You unloaded me and broke my cuffs in the same fluid series of moves. Not one glance at me. I was a mission accomplished, no impact on your present.
“Why didn’t you do that before?”
“Easier transport.” You took your jacket and gave me a pat on the bottom without looking at me.
“I’m not a fricking horse.”
“Whatever.” You put a little distance between us to have room to take off.
“Wait a minute! What am I doing here?”
“Going back to your family.” You pointed at the group of people on the horizon. I choked on the grief coating them. I was back on Earth and it was a pain to see through everyone again.
“Nobody. You’ve just been missing for so long.” You sounded annoyed and not one bit affected by any sentiment a predicament like this warranted. How could you be an angel with not ounce of warmth in you? I had to see your true face.
I manoeuvered myself around you to stare at your face. You scuffed in surprise, like I had just behaved unsuitably for a human. A dog meowing would have the same effect on me.
“Oh!” We both said. Now that the cover of hell had lifted, I could see you definitely had the luminous angel’s face. You were just pissed because that assignment kept you from something more important. You didn’t care much about humans.
You drew things in the air with your hands. Puzzled, I felt tingles all over my body.
“That’s better.” You said eyeing my clothes. I followed your gaze and realised I was now in an amazing white dress with a lace bodice and a satin skirt. Little saphires adorned the lace pattern. And I was clean. We both were.
You extended your crooked arm for me to grab.
“May I extend to you an honorific invitation to the Grand Angelic Ball? We will be fashionably late, though.”
“You change your mind quicker than you summon dresses. What’s up with the sudden niceties?”
“Now that hell’s haze is off, I see what you are. You should have told me.”
“Told you what?”
“That you were angel material.”
We were both surprised if for very different reason. You waited for my answer. I glanced back at the grieving people only once. I hadn’t been part of the world for two years. Hell gave me rest. Maybe even would too.
Plus, I’d be escorted to a ball by a hunk.