Do you remember Cucumber? A few weeks ago, the village was turned into veggies by a witch (here). A cucumber was accidentally turned human when the village was brought back to normal. Dubbed Cuber, the “man”, who has a fetish for vinaigrette and dill, became the boyfriend of the aforementioned witch (here).
How about Uncle Eliot who ate the summoning chicken?
There’s obviously a reason why I’m reminding you of all that. 😉
An Absurd Fable In Which Everything Finally Makes Sense
I underestimated the value of a good night sleep all my life. With Granny Kianga’s hex forcing me to lie down, I discovered the world with a whole new eye. Okay, I was really pissed at her the first few nights but then I have to admit she was right; even kitchen appliances need their beauty sleep and so do I.
When Elijah’s cursed violin forced us to part at night, I realized that I didn’t sleep all that well on my own. So you can understand how peaceful and grateful and just plain happy I felt when I lied my head on the pillow next to his after Granny took the damn violin back. She argued with Elijah’s mom to convince her that my boyfriend didn’t have to follow his father’s footsteps and then, we were promised we could sleep at last.
After fighting so hard to get back the very thing I had missed most of my life, you can imagine how I disfiguringly cringed when a long wail annoyed me out of slumber. The womanly voice zoomed past my window and stopped about four houses down the road. I crossed my fingers and prayed the sound wouldn’t resume but in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not the lucky type. When Granny Kianga’s booming voice covered the high-pitch cry with a toothless “ ‘u’ up!”, I slid out of bed.
I dressed up quickly and headed toward the argument which was slowly growing to epic proportions. With the magic sparks flying as much as insults, I easily recognized Marie, the neighbouring village’s wannabe witch, bowed backward to counter the weight of her belly. Cuber leaned on the parked car. He cleaned up nice but still wore a dill-based perfume.
“What the heck are you waking everybody up for?” I snapped. Both women interrupted their yelling and turned to me. Right, I fixed everything the last time… I should have stayed in bed.
“I’m in labor.” Marie said. I pinched myself to make sure I was awake.
“Then why aren’t you at a hospital?”
“Because she’s a muttonheaded, selfish, sorry excuse for a witch who got herself knocked up by a cucumber.” Of course, since Granny yelled her answer, a bunch of consonants were missing.
“I don’t think it’s a normal pregnancy.” Marie added. No kidding!
“I introduced you two three months ago!” That she was ready to give birth after a subnormal gestation period, I understood; stranger things have happened. But conceiving a baby within three months of the first meeting? Come on! “Get inside.” I muttered.
“Not in my house!” Granny interposed herself between Marie and the door. She wouldn’t move even if I asked nicely. I got up her steps, grabbed her by the waist and lifted her tiny frame out of the way. She hit me twice with her cane to hammer in her frustration but she did that so often, I couldn’t care less.
“Granny, she’s as stubborn as you. She’ll deliver here whether you want it or not. I’d rather not have her do it in the street. And I’m pretty stubborn too.” Granny sighed but started to order us around to prep the place for the baby’s arrival. Since her old bones wouldn’t let her bend appropriately, I ended up between Marie’s legs.
“Hm…” I rubbed my sleepy eyes and took another look. “That’s not a baby.”
“How dare you? He might be different because of his father but…” Another contraction cut short to Marie’s answer.
“Listen up, lady. I know a cabbage when I see one. No way that passes through here.”
Granny laughed in a “that’ll teach you” way. Not helpful. Cuber walked to and fro in the next room. Not helpful! I couldn’t perform a c-section nor have a doctor deliver a cabbage.
I dialed Uncle Eliot until he woke up and ordered him to come. He arrived minutes later in the middle of a “pregnant witch versus old voodoo Granny” encore.
“Thanks for coming and sorry about that.” While he was still distracted by the crazy situation, I drew my fist back. “Cabbage baby!” I yelled and punched his belly. He burped but nothing appeared. Damn it! It worked when he summoned back Granny after the car accident.
I slapped my forehead.
“Shut up!” I yelled over the two women. “Granny, you have to summon the baby through Uncle Eliot.”
“Do it yourself! I’m not helping that brat.”
“I can’t! You cursed me so nothing would work when I’m tired. I have to walk out of here so you can do it.”
I finally won the argument, walked out and when I came back, a chubby baby cooed amidst a bunch of cabbage leaves.
Bla bla bla twofold moral bla.
First, use protection. You’ll avoid big troubles.
Second, if you look hard enough, you’ll find something true behind the most whimsical, fictional stories. Oftentimes, though the truth was never there in the first place.
Yup, I’m succinct today and you better not complain! I want to go back to my boyfriend-filled bed.