The Heroic – How to Bake a Super

Bakers work long and hard to complete their delicious masterpieces. A well-executed pastry opens your taste buds to a world of mouth-watering adventures. The smell of a freshly baked pie enchants all noses.
When we apply the artistry of baking to the world of the supers, we can translate the beauty of an almond paste flower to the panache of a superhero or a villain. With a few ingredients available in every fantasy store, you can whip up your own super thanks to the following simple recipe.

                                

The Base
The core of the oeuvre is the same whether you’re baking a superhero or a villain. This recipe makes a six-foot tall product.

Fifty pounds of powdered flesh and bone, sieved to avoid deformations
At least twenty pounds of muscles, adjust to taste
Twenty pounds of grease
Eighty litres of water, warmed at 98.6 F
Three to four teaspoon of troubled childhood
One tablespoon of major drama
Pink or blue food coloring, choose according to desired gender

Preheat the oven at 350 F.
Stir the troubled childhood, drama and the food coloring with a drop of water in a small bowl. Let the mixture react and rise while you prepare the rest.
Put the powdered flesh and bone and the muscles in a large bowl. Mix in the grease. Add the water gradually, mixing energetically between each addition. About halfway through the process, knead in the childhood drama mixture. If you used a large amount of muscles, you might need to add more water. The final dough should be flexible but non-sticky.
On a greased baking tray, shape the dough into a humanoid form. Special molds may also me used to that effect.
Bake for three hours.

Variations:
You may trade any number of powdered flesh and bone pounds for cybernetic flour to give a robotic kick to the recipe.
To bake arch nemesis, double the recipe and separate the dough in two equal parts before baking. Use the superhero topping on one and the villain on the other.
To bake twins, clones or blood-related supers, multiply the recipe by the number of desired individuals and separate the dough in the according number of equal parts before baking. Use similar toppings on each part.
You may sprinkle alienation over the dough before it cooks. The thicker the coating, the less human the super will appear. Thicker coats are traditionally reserved for villains.

 

The Topping
This stage is when the magic happens. There is no exact recipe for the topping as every super is unique. Your art develops by dosing the ingredients to produce the desired result. The possibilities are legions but here are some handy guidelines.

Superhero Topping:
Start your topping with an animal bite, a natural ability (army training is fairly common along with powers congruent to the level of alienation) or a neutral base.
Righteousness, rage and guilt are the key elements to balance. If rage dominates the two others, it’s likely your superhero will dabble in the dark side from time to time.
Compassion is necessary along with a selection of superpowers.
The following can be used in almost any amount: restlessness, wits, courage, sarcasm (useful in combination with wits if you’re into puns and killer quotes), resourcefulness, humour, compliance, respect, forgiveness, love, companionship (high amount of companionship may require the creation of a sidekick), honor, selflessness.
These ingredients must be weighed very carefully: vengefulness, fear, weakness, desire.

Villain Topping:
Start your topping with a chemical accident or a neutral base.
Rage, vengefulness and selfishness are the key ingredients. If vengefulness dominates the two others, your villain is likely to ally with heroes from time to time if it enables him to give a bigger payback to someone who wronged him.
Violence is necessary along with either intelligence or a selection of superpowers.
The following can be used in almost any amount: restlessness, wits, courage, sarcasm (useful in combination with wits if you’re into puns and killer quotes), resourcefulness, companionship (high amount of companionship may require the creation of a sidekick), hatred, playfulness, sadism, determination, control, violence.
These ingredients must be weighed very carefully: guilt, madness, fear, desire, weakness.

Once you’ve put together your desired mix of dry ingredients, mix them in your chosen base (neutral, animal bite, natural ability or chemical accident). The preparation needs to be homogeneous.
Coat your humanoid cake with topping and let it sink in. Allow it to rest for twenty-four hours while the dough adapts to its final look. It’s ill-advised to interrupt the process before the finger nails have grown.
Finish up with a touch of life dust. Make sure you have clothes ready nearby as recipe reacts differently to their initial state of nakedness.

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About Aheïla

Somewhere in Quebec City, Aheïla works as a Game Design Director by day and writes by night. Known for her blue hair, unyielding dynamism and tasty cooking (quails, anyone?), she’s convinced “prose is the new crack”. She satisfies her addiction daily on The Writeaholic’s Blog and weekly on Games' Bustles View all posts by Aheïla

2 responses to “The Heroic – How to Bake a Super

  • fyrefly

    Hello, I hope you don’t mind me commenting, I’m just reading some of the NaSty stories and now I’m up to yours.
    You did quite a few, but I’m starting with this one, ’cause it sounded funny. 🙂
    And funny it was! where on Earth (or other planets?) did you come up with that? I want to make my own superhero now, but I have to go to bed. 😦
    I do have one question: Is the oven temperature on the recipie for conventional or fan forced oven? I wouldn’t want to burn my hero. 😉

    • Aheïla

      Hey Fyrefly!
      Of course I don’t mind you commenting! You’re more then welcome to spend some time here. You’ll notice that I have quite a bit of stories going on besides NaSty. *laughs*

      I sincerely don’t know how I come up with my ideas. I was just thinking about how heroes and villains have common traits then somehow my mind associated it with a typical white cake that you can completely alter with toppings and jellies. *shrugs*

      And the temperature is for conventional oven. It’s not too bad if you burn your hero; he’ll just be fire resistant and tanned! 😉

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