As some of you know, I’ve been sleep deprived in the beginning of the month which caused me an array of problems. Antonio, one of my fellow NaSty writers, had problem with his fridge, claiming that the appliance was napping from time to time. Put one and one together and you get an Absurd Fable! Don’t you love my maths?
An Absurd Fable In Which Even Kitchen Appliances Need Their Beauty Sleep
I struggled to get out of bed. Every time my head left the pillow, a flash of pain chimed in to encourage me to put it back down. I should have slept like a baby tonight since Cucumber wasn’t here to wake me up with another vinaigrette fetish scene. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out with Elijah to celebrate though. I wouldn’t have a hangover today. Don’t you go around thinking I planned this! I just failed to take my sleep deprivation into account. I know how to drink.
I rolled my head slowly left to right, testing the responsiveness of my neck and the sharpness of the migraine. I moaned and wished I could call in sick. I needed the money. Granny’s escapade might me entertaining to narrate, they aren’t cheap. Having a mechanic as a boyfriend doesn’t dispense me from paying for the parts required to fix the burning bunny’s damages.
I finally managed to step out from under the covers and shuffled my way to the kitchen. I downed the remaining milk straight from the carton. That would have to be enough for breakfast as I didn’t have any food left nor did I have the time to eat anyway. I dressed up quickly and headed for work.
The village is fairly small so I made a habit of walking to the beauty salon. I work as a hairdresser. Surprised? Why to you think I collect Granny Kianga’s stories like this? So I don’t have to listen to my clients. I recite stories all day. They laugh while getting their haircut and leave a hefty tip to pay for the entertainment. Win-win.
Of course, walking to work involves passing in front of Granny’s porch which isn’t always pleasant. As a matter of fact, she rocked on her favourite chair this morning, obviously waiting for me to strut within hearing distance. She called my name. No one resists Granny’s summon unharmed so I went up her step at once.
“You look awful.” She commented as soon as I sat by her side.
“Pleasure to see you too, Gran.” I hoped she would spit her request quickly so I could move along. I didn’t want to be late for work.
“Aren’t you sleeping?”
“When I can.”
“Is it the only reason why you called me here?” Granny Kianga was getting pretty annoying. I wished she’d focus on another family member for a while. I didn’t like being her target of choice.
“Yes. You are not going to work today. You are heading back to sleep.” I cocked an eyebrow in response. That was it. I’d rather risk Granny’s fury than listen to more unsolicited advice. I rose from my chair and left. Much to my surprise, Granny didn’t try to stop me. I discovered why when I entered the salon; every single electronic device stopped working. I took one step back to exit the building and everything came back to life.
“Sorry boss,” I yelled from the door. “My presence to work seems to be a problem. I’ll fix it.” Furious, I walked back to Granny’s house. She knitted on the porch. “You put a hex on me!” I accused.
“Yup!” She smiled with all her missing teeth.
“Nope.” She stopped knitting to look at me. “You have to take care of yourself. The rule is simple: if you’re tired everything around you stops working.” I grunted to signify my annoyance without taking the risk of making the whole thing worst by actually arguing. “Everything includes your boyfriend.”
“So basically the only thing I can do is go to bed and sleep.”
“Yup! If you want to play ‘clever’, you can probably try something like kayak or other non-electronic activities but I advise against it. I don’t know how the hex will react.”
I turned on my heels and mumbled my way to my house. Outdoor radio stopped playing and car died as I scuffed by only to resuscitate as soon as I was a few feet away. I figured I could sleep a couple of hours and go to work for the rest of my shift but the alarm clock wouldn’t let me set it. I left the curtains open instead. The sun would hit my face around noon.
I slept for the whole morning, still fully dressed. I woke up and headed for the fridge to down the orange juice. The light turned off and the cooling system died as soon as I opened the door. I closed it forcefully and leaned against the napping appliance.
“You should listen to your fridge,” Granny said from the corner of the room. She sat behind the table, still knitting. If I didn’t know a voodoo hex lasted forever should the priestess who casted it die, I would have strangled her.
“But I’m not even tired.” I argued. “Your hex is wrong.” Granny just laughed in response.
“There are two morals you should learn from this hex.” She said with the tone I would have employed should I be the moralizing party but a pronunciation deformed by her missing teeth. “First, you cannot cheat on this hex anymore than you can cheat on your health without dire consequences. Take care of yourself or you’ll get in trouble. There’s no arguing with that. Second, you need to listen to the people who care about you. Sometimes, they see things you refuse to see and if you never listen, they might eventually enforce a solution. Don’t wait for the unpleasant intervention to happen. Even if it’s for your own good, no one is happy about it.”
“Okay, maybe the whole thing is a little laughable.” She concluded, pointing my bedroom with one of her knitting needles.