It has been quite some time since I wrote the last Absurd Fable. Life got in the way. *shrugs* Today, I’m picking up where I left of. If you remember, in Forbidden Soup, the village was turned into veggies and fruits by a witch with a grudge against Granny Kianga. The narrator and her boyfriend saved the day, but mistakenly turned a real vegetable into a human being in the process…
An Absurd Fable In Which Payback Is A Witch Voodoo Priestess
I woke up to the sound of someone rummaging through the fridge. I assumed Elijah wanted to surprise me by making breakfast. Then, I realised he was still holding me in his arm, sound asleep. That left only one possible scavenger.
I slid out of my bed and swiftly wrapped a robe around my body. The scene was just what I expected. The fridge’s door hung wide open. The counter disappeared under mayonnaise, an assortment of vinegar, pepper, salt and dill. A half-naked man, his limbs and face soaked in what appeared to be vinaigrette, robbed a potato peeler against his stubble.
“What are we trying this morning, Cucumber?” I exasperatedly greeted. The peeler slipped from the man’s grip and hit the floor with a clatter.
“Shaving?” He laboriously articulated.
“That’s not how you do it. Elijah will show you.” The ex-cucumber licked the vinaigrette dripping from his nose. “On second thought, you’re not ready for a razor.”
“But my pants are on!” His naïve pride was almost charming. Almost; his girly twirling sent oil all over my cupboards. What a nightmare!
“Yes. Improvement. Now if I can just rid you of that obsession with vinaigrettes…”
“It feels right.”
“I’m sure it does.”
“I try to be my best.”
I sighed. I hoped Granny would find a way to turn him back to veggie soon – though I probably wouldn’t be able to eat him. I screwed the top on the Italian vinaigrette, which was ludicrous since he had emptied it. Again. I should stop buying it. I loaded my arms and bent to put things back in the fridge. Cucumber leaned on top of me while I wasn’t looking and hugged my back, trailing seasoning on my robe. Talk about awkward.
“Morning!” Granny chimed just as I disengaged from my accidental guest. “Still trying to ascend to salad, I see.”
“I try to be my best.”
“I might send him down the path of cucumber purée, first.” I slammed the fridge shot with a foot. “Tell me you’re here because you can de-evolve him.”
“Nope. You’re driving me to the witch who caused last weeks problems.” Granny never, ever, asked for anything. She stated, period. “We’re going now. I’ve got muffins.”
I looked at Cucumber absent-mindedly poking a plant’s leaf and watching it bounce back. Elijah worked today. I couldn’t leave the vegetable here alone. I sighed. That would be a long ride.
“I told you,” the plump woman said, “my guardian angel told me that only through someone else’s great transmorphing magic would I find my soul mate.”
“Wannabes…” Granny Kianga grunted before sipping her tea. I stifled a laugh.
From what I understood, the quarrel between the two women rested on Granny’s refusal to change Marie’s sex. A beginner witch, Marie was convinced angels were talking to her and based on their messages, she deduced that she needed to become a man to find love. It needed to be done magically too. Stranger things have come true, I guess.
Granny actually talked to spirits on a regular business. That’s what a mambo – voodoo priestess, remember? – is all about.
“You’re no ghost whisperer, fool. Schizophrenic, maybe, but you aren’t talking to angels. I’m not wasting my magic on you and torturing my neighbours won’t change a thing.”
With a furious grunt, the witch threw her tea cup to the ground. It shattered and tea ruined my beige sandals. Great. Granny hit the woman’s tibia with her cane. This was going to escalate fast and who knows what their magical sparkles would cause.
“Enough with the bickering!” I yelled, standing up before they could. “Witch, please meet Cucumber. Cucumber, witch. Is that enough transmorphing magic for you?”
“Really?” She looked at the man by my side with a sparkle in her eyes. She switched from her chair to his lap without warning. “I’ll take him.”
I didn’t wait for her to change her mind. Towing a flabbergasted Granny – which I savoured because it really doesn’t happen that often –, I exited the witch’s sorry excuse for a house.
“Cucumber is a mouthful.” I heard as I made my escape. “Maybe I should call you Cu? Hm… too James Bondy. Cumber? Ber? Cucum? Nasty. Cuber? Oh, I love that one!”
I pushed Granny in the car, threw her cane on the backseat and headed for the driver’s side. Just before I was out of hearing range, I caught a cheerful “Do you have any vinaigrette?”
I learned two things in this adventure and shall present them as morals.
The first is fairly known: someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure. In this case, it’s more like: someone’s annoying visitor is someone else’s soul mate.
The second one is that some people consider vegetable as valuable sex partners. Don’t judge! One day, it might make your life easier.